Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Hotels are back
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”