*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
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Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
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Scabies:NitBit™
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My life in a nutshell
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Somebody call the cops.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how