You Might Also Like
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.