*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Hot Hot Hot
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.