I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Am I having a stroke?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
my sentiments exactly
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”