What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?