Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.