found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Imma just leave this here…………
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.