Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
🌱🌱🌱
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?