the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.