Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
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During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.