[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
#polloftheday
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie