Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
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Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that