they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?