I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants