Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?