You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
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I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.