Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I am a gravy boat captain
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.