[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
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@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.