[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
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Comfort is No Laughing Matter™