Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.