Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Inside you there are two wolves
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
some things should go without saying
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?