“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
🤣
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂