me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
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It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.