My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Just this preview of the story is enough
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.