Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*