Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
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Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.