Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
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“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Just me?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food