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im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance