There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
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The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My wedding will be open casket.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.