Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Bed should get ready for ME
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
How to wake up a Beagle
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Harsh but fair