My kitchen overserved me.
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White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts