If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
what kind of cook setting is this??
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*