Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.