I saw nothing
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.