2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
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“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”