Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.