I need this for my side hustle.
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“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
a fate I wish upon no one
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot