Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
You Might Also Like
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.