A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa