You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
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An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
🤣🤣
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.