I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us