My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
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(True)
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.