did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Rooting for the overdog
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool