Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
saw this in a dream
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”