“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
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This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I did not eat the cake…
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.