[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
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Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
next question.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are