*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I don’t get marriage
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.