The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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“You’d better run, egg!”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Check out the legs on this baby
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.