Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
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if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Try and stop me.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
me when the borders lift
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.